“Am I going to be okay?" Deciding if it’s time to move on from expired relationships and knowing you’ll survive.
As a couples therapist, I’m all for trying to save or reinvigorate most relationships. In fact, evidence shows that relationship counseling can be highly effective for couples.
But what if the relationship has dragged on, with no real change, to the point that it’s well expired?
Oftentimes, I see people stuck in lifeless or unstable relationships for many important and complicated reasons that we have to work through before they feel ready to go. What I’ve discovered many times is that an underlying question is this— “Am I going to be okay?”
The short answer is Yes! Absolutely.
Of course, if it were that simple, you would have left the relationship and wouldn’t need to talk about it. There’s more to the story.
Who we are attracted to, the way we interact, and the dynamics in our adult relationships have a lot to do with our relationships with our caregivers when we were kids. Sometimes that may not be so obvious, especially when you find and want to be in relationships that are the exact opposite of your parents’ relationships. But I tell ya, there’s a connection!
How that looks as an adult has a lot to do with the quality, perception, and function of the relationship you had with your caregivers and their relationship with each other. You may have avoided the relationship your parents had, but it doesn’t mean you’re in something that’s healthy or thriving.
Here are some generalized examples of what this may look like:
A failed-to-launch son marries a woman who is good at caregiving and wants to be in control because she came from a family where she was the third parent in a household of dysfunction. She ends up over functioning for her husband and becomes resentful.
A highly independent woman marries an unattached, emotionally neutral man after watching her parents coexist together for years, barely speaking, rarely showing affection, and prioritizing raising their children. The couple struggles with vulnerability, emotional expression, and find themselves connecting only when one person explodes.
A gentle, mild mannered guy finds himself in a relationship with a woman who often berates and controls him, but can be sweet and supportive at times. He doesn’t question or acknowledge the treatment because he was used to it growing up with his volatile mother who criticized his father regularly. He tries to figure out what he can do better to make her happy while feeling defeated and weak.
None of these scenarios are hopeless. Relationship therapy could certainly help. But maybe these examples help you notice patterns in your own family and relationships.
You can ask yourself some questions to get started:
Do I truly want to be with this person or am I scared of being alone?
Am I scared of hurting this person and worried that they won’t be okay without me?
Am I playing a role with my partner that I used to play in my family such as caregiving for my partner in a way that makes us codependent (i.e. neglecting or unable to identify your own needs for the sake of the other person)?
Does this relationship feel interdependent, meaning there’s a good balance of togetherness and separation, or do we seemed merged together like we’re one?
Does this relationship feel like we are living two, completely separate lives and only cohabitating or existing?
Is what’s holding me back is that I cannot imagine my future without this person in my life?
Am I scared of the unknown?
Am I not ready to give up the affection, attention, and focus that this relationship provides me?
Am I scared of losing all or part of my identity if this ends?
Does it feel easier to keep things the same rather than make a big change?
If any of these questions stir something inside you, uneasiness, dread, even panic, it may be time to move on. If any of these questions just make you curious, it may be time to explore yourself internally to find out what you need and want next.
The truth is, you have everything you need within you to survive a breakup. With the right support in place, both internal and external supports, you will be okay if your current relationship is expired and ends. Some initial things that can help include:
Conversations with trusted friends, mentors, or family who can help you navigate these questions and answer honestly.
Making a list of the external resources you have. For example: a steady job, a few trusted friends, a regular exercise routine, ways to creativity express yourself, family members whom you can lean on, pets, volunteer activities, other hobbies, other groups.
Identifying times you’ve been resilient and overcome change in the past.
Identifying characteristics about yourself that you love.
Upping your self-care routine.
Regular therapy.
Lastly, you may need to figure out what it means for you to be okay. If it’s pain and difficult emotions you’re trying to avoid, know that the suffering is temporary. When you go through life-changing circumstances for your own benefit, you will stretch in ways you may not know your capable of just yet.
